trigger warning: suicide and death, slight mentions of alcoholism and cannabis use
well, it happened to me again. another loss hit me head-on when i was least expecting it.
i know that i haven't made a proper blog post about it yet, but a huge part of the last 8 years of my life has been navigating the loss of my abusive father. i found him dead when i was 13 years old, and not only did i have to deal with that, but i also had to deal with the trauma he had inflicted on me my whole childhood. he was an alcoholic, and that's what killed him, at only 37 he had managed to drink so much his body couldn't take it. despite the rocky and turbulent years after his death, i have managed to cope better and better with each passing year. this hasn't been because of therapy, or even really my antidepressant medications, but instead from spiritual discovery (that subject in itself also deserves its own entire post). does the pain go away? never. can i learn to deal with it? i guess so. again, i need to write a longer post about this in detail, but i just wanted to give some background for the next part of this post.
as i have settled into adulthood, i have embraced the aplatonic label (i made a post about it a while ago here) and become comfortable with the fact i don't particularly want or need friends. this doesn't mean i don't interact with people occasionally on my own time, especially my spouse's friends. there was one person in particular who was the closest to me. for a disclaimer, he didn't love his birth name, but he also never got the chance to find another name that he liked, so i usually refer to him with his username "doingles" (although for this post i'll just refer to him as "d"). anyways, i would have deeper talks with him rarely, send him posts all the time, share our wordle results together, talk about music and our lives in general, it was good! but he had a lot of problems, as do i. he had been in the mental hospital multiple times before for previous suicide attempts. due to the fact that we were both mentally ill, him and i had a few clashes of interest over the years. it wasn't just us 2 either, as him and a few of his other friends as well as a few of the server members left due to his behavior. it wasn't all that serious, just small things that led to them not wanting to be around him. in late may this year, him and i got into it about my weed usage. now, mind you, he never really seemed super sensitive to this topic much before, but i guess he really didn't like hearing about it at this point. he almost kind of implied i would move to heavier drugs, and that my weed usage was bad for my mental state (which is far from the truth, it has been an amazing medicine for me). with that, i left the server and blocked him everywhere. i regret that so badly now.
i wasn't mad at him, just kind of really annoyed, but i didn't plan to keep him blocked forever, just a few months. i figured it would be good to give space instead of make him uncomfortable.
sorry i have to update this tomorrow i smoked so much trying to type this that i cant be conscious lolllll