trigger warning: mentions of alcohol, weed, and surgery
i've been feeling a lot of things for the past few months. throughout the beginning of the year, i was eagerly waiting for a call back from my surgeon so i could find out the dates for my top surgery and hysterectomy. i had asked my top surgeon during my consult in january if the surgeries could be combined and he said yes, but apparently he was lying because no matter how much i called his office they would not respond. i'm not one to care about professionalism at all, but it was really unprofessional of them to literally just ghost me. the doctor's office for my hysterectomy was great though, and they were able to schedule me for surgery at the end of june. i called the office for my top surgery and told them to just split up the surgeries, which would be very inconvenient for me due to the fact i'd have to take two separate breaks from my job. oh well, whatever. and what do you know, the top surgeon called me back immediately and said they could schedule me for september 30th. it seemed so far away. i'm happy about my hysto and all, but it's not even a fraction as important to me as top surgery. i've waited my whole life for top surgery. like i'm dying. i need it. but, i just have to wait! and my wait is almost over, thankfully. but, i guess i should get into how my summer has been going, enough context.
finally, at the end of june, i was about to have my hysto and i was so excited to finally get time off of work. i really needed it. i wasn't worried about money, i have enough saved, and i was assuming i would be able to go back to work at the beginning of august. WRONG! because as it turns out, my doctor has lifting restrictions for me since i'm still healing and my manager just extended my leave of absence because of it. so now, i'll be going back to work on september 6th. this is making me really nervous, because i haven't told my boss that i'm taking another break literally less than a month after my return to work. i'm pretty sick over it actually, as i really depend on this shitty retail job for my health insurance and free tuition. i can't get the courage to tell her about my other surgery. it's one of my worst habits, where i just avoid things until they pile up and it's worse than it would have been initially. i was excited to have a break, like i said, but i've been going a bit crazy here at home the past two months. and to think i'll have another break after this, ugh. i'm not looking forward to it. i never thought that i'd miss work, but i do, because it gave my days structure. i have very bad self control, and this summer has proven that to me. here's what i've been doing, throughout this recovery period...
my plan was to get a bunch of art done, to update my website a ton, to play all the games in my backlog, to watch some shows i've been meaning to watch... well, LOL, not all of that happened. i'm actually proud of how much art i've been able to get done, and i've been able to find a style that i really like. it's actually something i'm really happy about. this has inspired me to want to make my own fursuit, which has always been a goal of mine. i feel like i have the skills, i'm just not sure about the motivation. i want to be able to go to anthrocon in summer 2025 since i live really close to it, and i need a suit to go there because i don't really wanna show my face. so, i hope i'll be able to get that done soon-ish. my site, i've made some good progress on too, i think! i'm pretty content with it, but there's still a lot that i want to do and it's hard to keep track of it all in my mind. i'm sure it'll come together with time, i'm just not able to tell myself that and actually believe it. i haven't played any games, actually, because i immediately lose interest in them and i have such a short attention span that i pull out my phone within the first five minutes of playing. i hate that, i hate it a lot, and it's something i'm not sure how to fix. the same goes for shows, i just don't have the attention span for it. so, overall, i think i'm ok with what i've gotten done this summer, but i wish i did more.
something that i didn't have as a goal, but i did anyways, is language learning! i have a 353 day long streak on duolingo, which i'm pretty proud of. i'm mainly learning spanish, and i've been taking it slow so i'm not really above A1 level yet. i'm still fairly confident in my progress, and it's sticking in my brain pretty well. i'm learning spanish because i want to communicate with and help the people around me at my job who can't speak english very well. i also just have always had it as a goal of mine to know another language. it's so cool to me! in the past, like, 2017 (horrible year in my life, i'll definitely make a blog about that topic), i tried really hard to learn japanese. i burned myself out very hard with that. i had a special interest in japan, it was completely unrelated to anime or manga because i don't consume that media. i just loved the country, i wanted to live there, i would watch videos of people just walking about the city for hours on end. sometimes, i was so happy about it i would just cry from all of the positive emotions inside of me. i would be on google maps, walking around virtually throughout the subways. i miss that passion that i had, but it was exhausting too. i still know all of the hiragana and katakana, as well as some very basic vocabulary and kanji. i've decided to pick up the language again, as i want to know it eventually in addition to spanish. it will take a very long time, but i'm confident i'll be proficient one day. i originally was trying to pick up mandarin chinese recently as a second language, but i kept thinking about how much i miss japanese and the tones and characters in mandarin are so freaking hard. like, i'm fascinated by it but my god the lack of phonetic characters kills me. after i know japanese, maybe i'll look back at mandarin, but it's too much for me at the moment LOL.
i guess the last thing i'll write about is turning 21? i'm turning 21 in just a few days. however, i've tried something recently that i swore i never would touch. my dad was an alcoholic (again, this pertains to the 2017 thing so i'll write a blog about it) and i suffered a lot because of that. i still am suffering from c-ptsd, it's something i don't know if i can ever fully recover from it. i was curious as hell, and that got the best of me, because i've drank a few times. i actually love the feeling, it works better than any antidepressants i've tried, but it's something i definitely need to be very careful about. addiction is in my genes, but i want to be able to enjoy a drink and have fun sometimes. i'm not my dad, i know that, so i've been letting myself have fun as a responsible adult. weed is something i have a very complicated relationship with, i smoked a bit when i was 16 or 17 and it gave me some pretty bad psychosis. i was paranoid as hell, but it also felt so good. i've been feeling like i want to try it again because it's legal where i live (medically) once you're 21. i feel like if i find the right strand i can have a "healthier" alternative to alcohol, and maybe actually feel some relief from my c-ptsd symptoms. i'll be sure to report back once i've done all that, but it's all a bit complicated right now in my head because it's a lot to process. as of now, it's 1am and i should probably go to bed. i'm looking forward to my top surgery so much, but i'm also so nervous about work. i'll update in the future! thanks for reading if you did ^_^